Well it seems that finally the food poisoning has worked its way out - Monday I made dinner and I dont know if it was the noodles or the broccoli or the tofu, but long story short it came back with a vengance that we are just now recovering from. And oh yeah, Mother's Day too.
There were no plans intact for Mother's Day this year. Usually Jerry's cousin has a something that allows us to see Jerry's mom, yet still remain far enough away that we dont risk direct engagement. So I told Jerry (first mistake) that we should take his mom out to brunch, to Old Warsaw (second mistake), where she has been trying to take us for years. He liked that idea. To his credit, I only had to tell him 10 times to make the reservation, but he neglected to tell his mother. So I think it was Wednesday of last week, the MIL came over to (spy) drop off food and I said, "for Mother's Day we want to take you to brunch at Old Warsaw." She looked half pleased, half skeptical and said, "oh you are coming too?" Of course, she wanted Synus to herself. I gave her the bad news, that I was coming.
So Mother's Day comes, and Jackie does not disappoint. Red espidrilles and a matching red jacket, red earrings and a flaming reddish-orange hairdo. She actually did have on a cute skirt that I was shocked to hear that she bought (meaning of course that not only was it from this decade, but this YEAR). Looking back, I think my mistake was actually showing the emotion that I was feeling, which was comparable to a teenager seeing a parent doing something relevant to the current times. She followed up my compliments with the news that hat I didnt have to go buy one, I could just borrow hers. Because we are the same size. I decided to interpret that as her complementing herself - I may be cornbread fed, but aint no way her size 18 behind is the same as my 14.
When we all got in the car, Jerry and I were continuing an earlier disagreement, but trying to talk about it quietly in a "dont let the kids hear/know" way (she was in the backseat, and Marion was with her) but that failed. She got excited and started smiling when she said, "you are having fight?!" Not this time lady. I said to her that sometimes her baby synus makes it very hard not to want to kill him, and at that she started saying "oh no, may-leesuh, you have to love it my boy, my baby boy, he is good boy, i love him so much." Jerry was going to puke, so I decided that was punishment enough for him. Every other time I tried to talk to him, the MIL barged in, in polish. I dont know why, but this is habit for her whenever we are in the car and I dare talk to her boy. At some point she decides whatever assinine thing she has to say (like the man on the radio said you can get houses half a million dollar houses for less than a hundred grand, lets go buy one) is MUCH more important, and just cuts in, in Polish.
When we got to the restaurant they were just opening, so the cold food was out but not the hot food. The waitress (who spoke to me in Polish the whole time) told us to have some cold food and hot food would be out in 5 minutes. Jackie turned around and said the same thing to me, in English, then to Jerry (who was next to me) in Polish. We started looking at the spread, and Jackie says to me, "have some this food for now, hot food coming." Then she said the same thing to Jerry in Polish. No, I didnt just write the same thing twice. Jerry's repeating disease, it turns out, is actually inherited from his mother - only praise the baby Jesus his case is not as bad.
Cold food at the Old Warsaw buffet consists mostly of different cabbage concoctions, which being Irish and a herbivore, pleased me to no end. I got my plate and sat down, and the MIL wasted no time. "Cabbage good, make you lose the weight." BINGO! That comment came at about 11:15 am, and we had picked her up to go to the restaurant at 10:30. So this might be a record for her, it took her 45 minutes to make a weight comment. Unless you count the fact she thinks we are the same size - I'll have to refer to the judges.
We were sitting at our table when the hot food came out, so the waitress said, its ready and motioned over to the buffet, which literally was 15 feet away. Naturally, Jackie looks at me and Synus and says, "the hot food is out." We went to get some, and of course she told us what everything was, in English and Polish, several times, and sometimes while we were scooping it on our plate. Did I mention there were little signs next to the food? They had a carving station, so naturally she turns to me and asks if I want a slice of beef. Remember for her that its a low percentage of meat in your diet, say 25 - 50%, that makes you a vegetarian, not the traditional ZERO percent. I declined. When we got back to the table, she proceeded to let us know yet again what food was being offered. Many times during the entire meal she said, "diet starts tomorrow." I wondered if this would be the diet that would cause us not to be able to share skirts anymore.
Over coffee and desert Jackie announces she wants to invest in something (bilingually of course - Marion's English is terrible unless he is drunk, and then all of a sudden he is reciting speeches better than Obama). She wants to buy a business. I've heard this whole song and dance before about buying some business and getting rich and bla bla bla because oh its that easy right, just buy a business and the money starts shooting in. Also I think I was weary from the weight comments over the last hour, so I said, sure! Lets buy a diamond business! Jerry informed me later on that my sarcasm is not understood or "appreciated" in that crowd, and that it looked like I was being rude. Seriously? Because the MIL's next comment was LETS BUY A GAS STATION. Oh, and she was not kidding. She said that gas prices are so high and "they" are all getting rich so we should get a gas station. I started to explain petrodollar political economy to her, and then stopped. Futility ain't just a river in Egypt.
She wouldnt knock it off though. All of a sudden I knew a better way - stroke her ego! I said, "why venture in to something you know nothing about. You are an expert in real estate, why not stick with that?" It was genius! The conversation totally moved from completely moronic to plausible stupidity as we discussed the current deflated market. She decided that she would invest in the housing market - and, wait for it - that I should be the one to find her a house. Hey, remember when I quit doing that because I sucked? But, it was Mother's Day after all, and my own mother would be quite disappointed in me if I could not at least indulge the woman on her day. So I said ok. We left and all in all, it was nice. I know it meant a lot to Jerry's mom to have time with her baby boy - and believe it or not in 5 years this is the first time we've gone out to eat with her. I think that will work, once every 5 years.
So that was last Sunday, and it took oh about 72 hours for the MIL to call and demand her list of houses to buy...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Correlation is not causation
Natalie was right, I cursed myself.
In my world, Sundays are a reward for all the hard work I've done all week super couponing and, as Jerry puts it, trying to screw the man out of 35 cents. Then I do some homework, (pretend to) clean, do the chop house, watch some law & order marathon. Yesterday was no different, except that when I had just finished prepping most of the food for the week, Jackie came over with food. This alas is nothing new. She said she called Jerry and asked him if he wanted the food, and he said no, don't bring it. So she decided to come over and bring it, "because my son, he say no, so I bring to you." She had a huge pan of chicken and rice, and I told her there was no way we would eat all of that. I suggested she just leave half, and she said she already made a whole other pan for herself. Whatever - Skipper loves chicken. She said to me, "oh you wont eat it?" I said no, so you see that its too much for just Jerry (Skipper), and she replied, "but there isn't much meat on a wing, you have to eat two or three." Apparently in the town she is from vegetarianism is measured by the percentage of meat on any given animal bone.
After she left Jerry came out from the other room, and I began to tell him what she said, and he stopped me. "Oh I heard the whole thing, I was hiding and waiting for her to leave."
But all in all, the MIL has been on good behavior, and I had assumed it was because Jerry lost weight. This is the woman's greatest mission in life - to scrutinize other people's fatness while remaining fat herself. While I was contemplating how to encourage Jerry's manorexia in order to foster more of this good behavior on her part, I was rudely snapped back to reality. It turns out in my euphoria over what I thought was her new found ability to mind her own business, I neglected to pay attention to the change in seasons that occured yesterday. What change is that? Yesterday it went from Spring (boat in the driveway) to Summer (boat in the harbor). And summer ushers in a particular kind of insanity for Jackie: harbor + dark + booze = APB on Synus Safety. I guess I miscalculated the effects of Jerry's grape peeling and paper eating if I thought Operation Save Synus was not going to be launched again this summer.
Interestingly, she did not come to my house (fake) crying like last time. Jerry called me at 9:30 to ask me if she did, because apparently she noticed he wasnt home and his dumb ass told her he was 1) at the harbor 2) with Scott Gaughan 3) they had a beer and 4) they were at a bar now. Seriously? I mean, why don't you just come right out and tell her that its once again time to go bat shit crazy? It wouldnt have been more clear if someone said, "GO FUCKING MENTAL RIGHT NOW." So she tells him that she is coming to pick him up - but all she knows is that he is on Irving Park Road somewhere. So she gets in her car and takes off to find sonny boy. I don't really know (or care) how the exact events transpired, but somehow Jerry comes home and then a couple minutes later she is in the driveway screaming at him in Polish. As if my house doesn't look white trash enough with all crap Jerry and Tim do, I need some crazy old lady in her housecoat screaming at the top of her lungs. Apparently she was saying that I was going to leave him for what he's done. She wishes. I fear we've ushered in Insanityathon 2011...
...if only I had control of the Navy Seals.
In my world, Sundays are a reward for all the hard work I've done all week super couponing and, as Jerry puts it, trying to screw the man out of 35 cents. Then I do some homework, (pretend to) clean, do the chop house, watch some law & order marathon. Yesterday was no different, except that when I had just finished prepping most of the food for the week, Jackie came over with food. This alas is nothing new. She said she called Jerry and asked him if he wanted the food, and he said no, don't bring it. So she decided to come over and bring it, "because my son, he say no, so I bring to you." She had a huge pan of chicken and rice, and I told her there was no way we would eat all of that. I suggested she just leave half, and she said she already made a whole other pan for herself. Whatever - Skipper loves chicken. She said to me, "oh you wont eat it?" I said no, so you see that its too much for just Jerry (Skipper), and she replied, "but there isn't much meat on a wing, you have to eat two or three." Apparently in the town she is from vegetarianism is measured by the percentage of meat on any given animal bone.
After she left Jerry came out from the other room, and I began to tell him what she said, and he stopped me. "Oh I heard the whole thing, I was hiding and waiting for her to leave."
But all in all, the MIL has been on good behavior, and I had assumed it was because Jerry lost weight. This is the woman's greatest mission in life - to scrutinize other people's fatness while remaining fat herself. While I was contemplating how to encourage Jerry's manorexia in order to foster more of this good behavior on her part, I was rudely snapped back to reality. It turns out in my euphoria over what I thought was her new found ability to mind her own business, I neglected to pay attention to the change in seasons that occured yesterday. What change is that? Yesterday it went from Spring (boat in the driveway) to Summer (boat in the harbor). And summer ushers in a particular kind of insanity for Jackie: harbor + dark + booze = APB on Synus Safety. I guess I miscalculated the effects of Jerry's grape peeling and paper eating if I thought Operation Save Synus was not going to be launched again this summer.
Interestingly, she did not come to my house (fake) crying like last time. Jerry called me at 9:30 to ask me if she did, because apparently she noticed he wasnt home and his dumb ass told her he was 1) at the harbor 2) with Scott Gaughan 3) they had a beer and 4) they were at a bar now. Seriously? I mean, why don't you just come right out and tell her that its once again time to go bat shit crazy? It wouldnt have been more clear if someone said, "GO FUCKING MENTAL RIGHT NOW." So she tells him that she is coming to pick him up - but all she knows is that he is on Irving Park Road somewhere. So she gets in her car and takes off to find sonny boy. I don't really know (or care) how the exact events transpired, but somehow Jerry comes home and then a couple minutes later she is in the driveway screaming at him in Polish. As if my house doesn't look white trash enough with all crap Jerry and Tim do, I need some crazy old lady in her housecoat screaming at the top of her lungs. Apparently she was saying that I was going to leave him for what he's done. She wishes. I fear we've ushered in Insanityathon 2011...
...if only I had control of the Navy Seals.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Help is right across the street
So, I havent posted since exactly the day school started last August. The MIL has actually been really good lately, even though I had the nerve to quit a job making plenty of money thus risking the future of Synus' BMW.
As luck would have it, the fat obsession reared its ugly head last week. Turns out she couldnt supress it forever. Some of you know that Jerry and I are in the throws of a heated Biggest Loser contest with Scott and Cindy that began Jan 14. Jerry's mentality is that if you really want something, you can do it. Apparently he doesnt really want hair on top of his head... Anyway, he has done really well (although he is becoming slightly obsessed, asking me how many calories is in everything - im afraid soon he will start peeling grapes to save calories, and eating paper to make his stomach feel full...).
I'm not sure when Jerry told his mom about it, but he did, and she was just waiting for her chance to pounce. Instead of just having a conversation about it like a grown-up, she came over last week to drop off towels and Wasa crackers. I am not sure where the towels came from, one bath, one hand towel and one wash cloth. Very plush. As you probably already can conclude the implication is that her baby boy needs the finest for his delicate skin. But I digress. The Wasa crackers, however, were for Jerry because she heard he was on a diet. When she said the word 'diet' her eyes lit up like fireflies - much the same as when I allow my nephew to say 'fart' because his parents arent around. So I decided to drop the biz-omb, that baby boy lost 10 pounds so far. Her EXACT reaction:
"Oh my God Muhleeesuh! This so great!" With a glint of tear in her eye she continued, "Oh I worry all time bout him - fifty pounds! He needs lose 50 pounds, at least." You would have thought I told her I got my job back at Van Wagner, she was that happy. I thought she was going to start jumping up and down. Christmas, New Years, Kwanzaa all in one.
It was then she decided to give me lots of advice on weight loss. Keep in mind that I was doing what Jerry calls "The Chop House," doing the cooking for the week. Salads, lasagna and stuffed peppers - there was shit EVERYWHERE. Jackie investigated very carefully the contents of the salads and then lectured me on too much cheese in lasagna (I made it with whole wheat noodles, homemade sauce and kale). Literally stood over me as I was putting the cheese on telling me that I needed to buy low fat or fat free cheese.
The conversation (nitpicking) continued for a while. She told me that her problem is sweets, she has too much sweets at her house and eats them too much. Then proceeds to tell me that she has been having this problem, she wants to show me. Before I could protest she unzipped her coat and showed me her dunlop/fupa and said, "this, I dont know what is this." Setting aside my disbelief I said, "isnt that from having a baby? i thought when you have a baby you get to blame your gut on it for the rest of your life?" She then said that its from being over 50. Well if you know what it is then WTF are you asking me for? Then she asked if my mom had one. I said, "I dont know, she has the baby roll I guess but we are built the same, big thighs and ghetto booty." And she said, "Oh your mom is skinny, she looks good, she looks really good." Now I know my mom will be super happy to hear that, however, we are practically the same size. HTF is she skinny and I'm fat???
After a lecture on buying and eating wild salmon, and another command to make Jerry lose 50 pounds, she ices that cake by saying, "Well, if you need it help or advices on losing weight, just call me. You can just give me call and I will help you."
Really? And if I need advice on how to take care of my dog should I call Michael Vick??
Content with her words of wisdom, she left. I would say that I give up, but God knows that happened some time in 2006...
As luck would have it, the fat obsession reared its ugly head last week. Turns out she couldnt supress it forever. Some of you know that Jerry and I are in the throws of a heated Biggest Loser contest with Scott and Cindy that began Jan 14. Jerry's mentality is that if you really want something, you can do it. Apparently he doesnt really want hair on top of his head... Anyway, he has done really well (although he is becoming slightly obsessed, asking me how many calories is in everything - im afraid soon he will start peeling grapes to save calories, and eating paper to make his stomach feel full...).
I'm not sure when Jerry told his mom about it, but he did, and she was just waiting for her chance to pounce. Instead of just having a conversation about it like a grown-up, she came over last week to drop off towels and Wasa crackers. I am not sure where the towels came from, one bath, one hand towel and one wash cloth. Very plush. As you probably already can conclude the implication is that her baby boy needs the finest for his delicate skin. But I digress. The Wasa crackers, however, were for Jerry because she heard he was on a diet. When she said the word 'diet' her eyes lit up like fireflies - much the same as when I allow my nephew to say 'fart' because his parents arent around. So I decided to drop the biz-omb, that baby boy lost 10 pounds so far. Her EXACT reaction:
"Oh my God Muhleeesuh! This so great!" With a glint of tear in her eye she continued, "Oh I worry all time bout him - fifty pounds! He needs lose 50 pounds, at least." You would have thought I told her I got my job back at Van Wagner, she was that happy. I thought she was going to start jumping up and down. Christmas, New Years, Kwanzaa all in one.
It was then she decided to give me lots of advice on weight loss. Keep in mind that I was doing what Jerry calls "The Chop House," doing the cooking for the week. Salads, lasagna and stuffed peppers - there was shit EVERYWHERE. Jackie investigated very carefully the contents of the salads and then lectured me on too much cheese in lasagna (I made it with whole wheat noodles, homemade sauce and kale). Literally stood over me as I was putting the cheese on telling me that I needed to buy low fat or fat free cheese.
The conversation (nitpicking) continued for a while. She told me that her problem is sweets, she has too much sweets at her house and eats them too much. Then proceeds to tell me that she has been having this problem, she wants to show me. Before I could protest she unzipped her coat and showed me her dunlop/fupa and said, "this, I dont know what is this." Setting aside my disbelief I said, "isnt that from having a baby? i thought when you have a baby you get to blame your gut on it for the rest of your life?" She then said that its from being over 50. Well if you know what it is then WTF are you asking me for? Then she asked if my mom had one. I said, "I dont know, she has the baby roll I guess but we are built the same, big thighs and ghetto booty." And she said, "Oh your mom is skinny, she looks good, she looks really good." Now I know my mom will be super happy to hear that, however, we are practically the same size. HTF is she skinny and I'm fat???
After a lecture on buying and eating wild salmon, and another command to make Jerry lose 50 pounds, she ices that cake by saying, "Well, if you need it help or advices on losing weight, just call me. You can just give me call and I will help you."
Really? And if I need advice on how to take care of my dog should I call Michael Vick??
Content with her words of wisdom, she left. I would say that I give up, but God knows that happened some time in 2006...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Fat is as fat does
So this weekend Jerry and I had a wedding to go to. As per usual, we were running late (we'd hate to let anyone down). So I am running around the house in spanx up to my neck and a strapless bra trying to locate my dress, which turned out was in the living room closet. I get the dress out, unzip it, and put it on, only to realize that the spanx have rendered me immobile and no way was i getting the side zipper up. so i run from the living room in to the kitchen where Jerry was assembling his suit (we could, you know, just keep our clothes in the bedroom like every one else to avoid this). Frantically I beg him to zip me up, we should have been gone buy now.
My kitchen looks out on to the deck, thats where the sliding glass doors are. Behind it and to the left is the garage, so it really blocks any sight in to the kitchen. But it does not block MILs. All of a sudden the door whizzes open and "haaaaallllooo!" It startled me so bad I screamed and Jerry said he thought I was going to literally fly through the roof. Jackie looked at me funny and I said, "you scared me!" I meant the noise, any woman who has ever gotten ready for anything formal knows the frenzy and how you block out all else to focus on the task at hand. And she said, "what, you have pants on." Right, because that's the concern. Not that she just let herself in, but that I shouldn't care because I have pants on (the "pants" she is referring to were the spanx). I was in so much disarray that I just blurted out, "you could have knocked." And she repeated, "what, you have pants on." And I said, "ITS MY HOUSE!" and ran in to the other room to adjust myself. Apparently the major emergency was that we had lots of tomatoes in the garden that were ready to be picked and she wanted to pick them. Jerry said no, we'll get to it, but she was insisting that she pick them and peel them. They were having this conversation in Polish, and whenever she doesnt get the answer she wants from Jerry she turns to me and has the conversation in English. By this time I had adjusted myself and was zipped, but still in frenzy mode. Jerry was telling her that we are late for a wedding, we'll talk about it later, but it was very urgent to her. She asked me outright, and i said no I have my own way to do it and I will do it. She said, "I try only to help!" and left in a huff.
This episode is considered mild in my book. But apparently it led to a confrontation with Jerry and his mom yesterday. She said that we talked to her like trash. That is nothing new for Jerry, he talks horribly to his mother - if I talked like that to my mom she wouldn't hesitate to crack me one even at the age of 32. But I never say anything to her, usually just sit there and roll my eyes, occasionally tell them to knock it off. She was offended that I talked to her like trash. Jerry told her he was still upset about the night at the boat, and that I am still upset that she keeps calling me fat. She really saw nothing wrong with that. She said she is just concerned. I don't know all that was said, but Jerry felt good about the conversation. I know that he got some good jabs in there because she switched tactics on him and said that I was going to get my education and leave him. And he said, how do you know, did you ask her? And she said she was just concerned for him. This, after she asked me the correct way to tell people about my program so she could brag that her DIL is going to be a PhD. WHATEVER. Obviously she wasnt listening to me - by the time this program is over, certainly I will have found a way to either shut her up or send her back to Poland. And then EVERYTHING will be perfect.
I got a suggestion that readers share their Jackie stories. I think this is a GREAT idea. If you have a Jackie encounter you would like to share, please email me at missyzmuda@gmail.com. I've been so busy the past couple weeks that I havent been able to post often, so this will help keep you entertained until I settle in to my new schedule...
My kitchen looks out on to the deck, thats where the sliding glass doors are. Behind it and to the left is the garage, so it really blocks any sight in to the kitchen. But it does not block MILs. All of a sudden the door whizzes open and "haaaaallllooo!" It startled me so bad I screamed and Jerry said he thought I was going to literally fly through the roof. Jackie looked at me funny and I said, "you scared me!" I meant the noise, any woman who has ever gotten ready for anything formal knows the frenzy and how you block out all else to focus on the task at hand. And she said, "what, you have pants on." Right, because that's the concern. Not that she just let herself in, but that I shouldn't care because I have pants on (the "pants" she is referring to were the spanx). I was in so much disarray that I just blurted out, "you could have knocked." And she repeated, "what, you have pants on." And I said, "ITS MY HOUSE!" and ran in to the other room to adjust myself. Apparently the major emergency was that we had lots of tomatoes in the garden that were ready to be picked and she wanted to pick them. Jerry said no, we'll get to it, but she was insisting that she pick them and peel them. They were having this conversation in Polish, and whenever she doesnt get the answer she wants from Jerry she turns to me and has the conversation in English. By this time I had adjusted myself and was zipped, but still in frenzy mode. Jerry was telling her that we are late for a wedding, we'll talk about it later, but it was very urgent to her. She asked me outright, and i said no I have my own way to do it and I will do it. She said, "I try only to help!" and left in a huff.
This episode is considered mild in my book. But apparently it led to a confrontation with Jerry and his mom yesterday. She said that we talked to her like trash. That is nothing new for Jerry, he talks horribly to his mother - if I talked like that to my mom she wouldn't hesitate to crack me one even at the age of 32. But I never say anything to her, usually just sit there and roll my eyes, occasionally tell them to knock it off. She was offended that I talked to her like trash. Jerry told her he was still upset about the night at the boat, and that I am still upset that she keeps calling me fat. She really saw nothing wrong with that. She said she is just concerned. I don't know all that was said, but Jerry felt good about the conversation. I know that he got some good jabs in there because she switched tactics on him and said that I was going to get my education and leave him. And he said, how do you know, did you ask her? And she said she was just concerned for him. This, after she asked me the correct way to tell people about my program so she could brag that her DIL is going to be a PhD. WHATEVER. Obviously she wasnt listening to me - by the time this program is over, certainly I will have found a way to either shut her up or send her back to Poland. And then EVERYTHING will be perfect.
I got a suggestion that readers share their Jackie stories. I think this is a GREAT idea. If you have a Jackie encounter you would like to share, please email me at missyzmuda@gmail.com. I've been so busy the past couple weeks that I havent been able to post often, so this will help keep you entertained until I settle in to my new schedule...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
heeeellloooo
Well, I guess my vacation is over. I was laying on the couch watching 'American Greed' when I hear the patio door open and then, "heeeelllllloooo." The MIL apparently is back to talking to us again. She came over to make sure we watered the garden. By the way, its noon, and the last time I tried to water my garden during the day she about karate chopped the hose out of my hand. She said that if you water the plants during the day they will get burned. (For the record, I checked with my brother-in-law, who is from an actual farm, and he confirmed that the water droplets on the leaves act like magnifying glasses - so that is how they get burned.)
Then she berated me for 15 minutes wanting to know why Jerry was so mean and angry and negative. I literally couldnt speak because I was so caught off guard by her unabashed lack of self-awareness. What I wanted to say was, hey crazy pants, remember when he went out with his friends and you blew up his phone like a psycho ex-girlfriend? Remember when you saw him the next day and started screaming at him how dumb he is? Remember how you called us in DC because you couldnt find the keys to the house and called him a dumb punk? But alas, I did not, i tried to joke about it, and she started (fake) sniffling about how she has one son, bla bla bla. Then she wanted to know if him and I were fighting. AHA! She says it without saying it - whatever is wrong with him must be my fault, because I am taking her son away. I said he's under a lot of stress with me starting school and kids are coming soon. She then started in about how I don't understand how much work the kids will be. I said, bitch please. Ok, I just thought it, but I did say, I do come from the Schroeder family so zip it. Ok, I didnt say that either but I did tell her that I'm from a huge family, I have been around kids all my life, and while no, you dont know until you know, I certainly am aware of what I wont know until I know. You know?
Any way, she said I definitely will need someone here to help me - and I said, hell to the no. No one is going to move in to my house. And she was like, no, they dont have to move in but you will need someone. Seriously? How did frontier women do it? I said that I have my sister and my family and she said that I cant rely on them, she is across the street, so she will do most of the work. Back the f*ck up! I almost went in to full blown panic mode when a brilliant thought came to my mind. I looked at her and said, "hey lets go to the pound and get you a dog! look at this dog I found wandering around last week..." It worked - she totally switched gears and I avoided having a heart attack.
Until she was leaving. She said to me, "with all that running, why are you still so big right here?" and she motioned to her own hips and butt. she said, "it doesn't make sense with all that work that you are still so big. tell jerry to do something, he will have a heart attack you know. i lost a little weight, can't you tell?"
i guess everything is back to normal.
Then she berated me for 15 minutes wanting to know why Jerry was so mean and angry and negative. I literally couldnt speak because I was so caught off guard by her unabashed lack of self-awareness. What I wanted to say was, hey crazy pants, remember when he went out with his friends and you blew up his phone like a psycho ex-girlfriend? Remember when you saw him the next day and started screaming at him how dumb he is? Remember how you called us in DC because you couldnt find the keys to the house and called him a dumb punk? But alas, I did not, i tried to joke about it, and she started (fake) sniffling about how she has one son, bla bla bla. Then she wanted to know if him and I were fighting. AHA! She says it without saying it - whatever is wrong with him must be my fault, because I am taking her son away. I said he's under a lot of stress with me starting school and kids are coming soon. She then started in about how I don't understand how much work the kids will be. I said, bitch please. Ok, I just thought it, but I did say, I do come from the Schroeder family so zip it. Ok, I didnt say that either but I did tell her that I'm from a huge family, I have been around kids all my life, and while no, you dont know until you know, I certainly am aware of what I wont know until I know. You know?
Any way, she said I definitely will need someone here to help me - and I said, hell to the no. No one is going to move in to my house. And she was like, no, they dont have to move in but you will need someone. Seriously? How did frontier women do it? I said that I have my sister and my family and she said that I cant rely on them, she is across the street, so she will do most of the work. Back the f*ck up! I almost went in to full blown panic mode when a brilliant thought came to my mind. I looked at her and said, "hey lets go to the pound and get you a dog! look at this dog I found wandering around last week..." It worked - she totally switched gears and I avoided having a heart attack.
Until she was leaving. She said to me, "with all that running, why are you still so big right here?" and she motioned to her own hips and butt. she said, "it doesn't make sense with all that work that you are still so big. tell jerry to do something, he will have a heart attack you know. i lost a little weight, can't you tell?"
i guess everything is back to normal.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Where is my baby boy
So I got a request for a pic. I will have to get approval from Jerry - but that would be hysterical.
Jerry and I are currently getting the silent treatment from Jackie. Ever since we got back from DC Sunday night, she has gone quiet. Its been AWESOME. Here is what provoked what has been the greatest three days of my life.
Last week on Wednesday I came home from a the midweek workout with Team in Training. If you all remember, it was 147 degrees in the shade last week. Plus we were doing hills and speedwork, and I don't think the path was ready for this jelly cuz I am way too bootylicious for some of these workouts... Anyway, I came home around 8pm all tired and hot and crabby and went across the street to pick up the dog, who was staying with the MIL because i was coming home late and Jerry was out with the guys. I thanked her, went home, and took the best shower ever. Because no one was home, i had the bathroom doors open (i have a brady bunch bathroom that is in between my bedroom and the guest bedroom). *AS SOON* as i turn off the water I hear it - the screech heard round the world - "MUHLEEEESUH!". I scrambled for a towel and started anxiously saying that I wasn't dressed (you know, because I am one of those people who takes showers without clothes on). Sometime while I was in the shower Jackie came over, let herself in and was sitting on my bed waiting for me to finish. "Where is my son?" I said I didnt know hoping that she would go away. "He told me he is going to the Naperville and buying fireworks." I said, no no, he is at Montrose harbor, at the boat with his friends having a boys night. "How you know? He said Naperville. Is he drinking? I think he is drinking." I said that is where I ran tonight, I saw him there, he is fine. She then proceeded to lecture me on not forgetting to leave the spare keys in the garage. She said she tried to get in the house today but couldnt find the keys. I love that I got in trouble for not making my house accessible when I am not there to PEOPLE THAT DONT LIVE THERE.
About an hour later me and Skipper are sprawled out on the bed, falling asleep to Law & Order when the doorbell starts ringing like crazy. There is Jackie, at level 100 freak out, saying that she cant get a hold of Jerry, where is he, he's drinking, she is scared, bla bla bla. I mean, you would have thought this was an actual child that went missing (well I guess in her mind it was). I said relax, he's fine, he is with his friends, they are on the boat having some guy time doing the same shit they do every time they are together. Then she started railing about them drinking, and they are drinking too much, and Jerry is going to get a DUI and then she started (fake) crying. I knew he was fine, but for some reason she was totally convinced he was in imminent danger. She said everyone freaks out when Derrick [Jerry's cousin] drinks too much, and no one cares about her son (neither of which are true, they are both very responsible when they drink). I said, "what do you want me to do, he is a grown man." she said to call him and make him come home! And how would I do that?? "Hi Jerry, you need to come home right now. Why? Because your mom said so. Why did she say so? Oh, because you are drinking." Seriously!!! I told her dont worry! He is fine, he is responsible. Then she switched tactics trying to convince me that he wasnt really at the harbor, he was going to Naperville with fireworks (it turned out that he went to Navy Pier to see the firework show). But truly, if he went to Indiana I didnt care, it was now after 9 and dangerously past my bedtime. After some more (fake) crying on her part and threats to move back to Poland if he wasnt going to listen to her, she left.
What I didnt know what that she had been calling him literally every 5 minutes yelling at him and telling him to come home because he was drinking and there were too many people with him. Then she called her sister Helen (jerry was with his cousin Derrick, who is her Helen's son) and got her all riled up. What would Helen do? And why the eff did Jackie call her? Seriously all of this stuff is a giant laugh except that - that was just mean. So Helen calls Derrick's wife, and asks her to go to the harbor and pick the boys up and bring them home so they will be safe. Derrick's wife knows better than to fall for Jackie's antics, and assuages Helen's fears (I hope). So Derrick's wife calls him and tells him all about the fiasco and it ends up being a total buzzkill for the night. Honestly, if Jerry wasnt drinking, that would have been a good time to start.
Keep in mind ALL of this is because Jerry, age 34, wouldn't come home when his mother demanded. The "drinking" is a smokescreen - she was having a full on panic attack about her baby boy and was using all the cards she had. Drinking fears, (fake) crying, telling me I dont understand, threatening to move back to Poland (oh please God, OH PLEASE!).
Yes, it is exactly as ridiculous as you think it is.
There has been some more messages - she came over the next day and screamed at him in person too. and we got in trouble again for not leaving the keys for her when we went to DC. and so she isnt speaking to us. But we totally showed her - we took away her Skipper visitation and instead dropped him off with my parents while we were gone.
TAKE THAT!
Jerry and I are currently getting the silent treatment from Jackie. Ever since we got back from DC Sunday night, she has gone quiet. Its been AWESOME. Here is what provoked what has been the greatest three days of my life.
Last week on Wednesday I came home from a the midweek workout with Team in Training. If you all remember, it was 147 degrees in the shade last week. Plus we were doing hills and speedwork, and I don't think the path was ready for this jelly cuz I am way too bootylicious for some of these workouts... Anyway, I came home around 8pm all tired and hot and crabby and went across the street to pick up the dog, who was staying with the MIL because i was coming home late and Jerry was out with the guys. I thanked her, went home, and took the best shower ever. Because no one was home, i had the bathroom doors open (i have a brady bunch bathroom that is in between my bedroom and the guest bedroom). *AS SOON* as i turn off the water I hear it - the screech heard round the world - "MUHLEEEESUH!". I scrambled for a towel and started anxiously saying that I wasn't dressed (you know, because I am one of those people who takes showers without clothes on). Sometime while I was in the shower Jackie came over, let herself in and was sitting on my bed waiting for me to finish. "Where is my son?" I said I didnt know hoping that she would go away. "He told me he is going to the Naperville and buying fireworks." I said, no no, he is at Montrose harbor, at the boat with his friends having a boys night. "How you know? He said Naperville. Is he drinking? I think he is drinking." I said that is where I ran tonight, I saw him there, he is fine. She then proceeded to lecture me on not forgetting to leave the spare keys in the garage. She said she tried to get in the house today but couldnt find the keys. I love that I got in trouble for not making my house accessible when I am not there to PEOPLE THAT DONT LIVE THERE.
About an hour later me and Skipper are sprawled out on the bed, falling asleep to Law & Order when the doorbell starts ringing like crazy. There is Jackie, at level 100 freak out, saying that she cant get a hold of Jerry, where is he, he's drinking, she is scared, bla bla bla. I mean, you would have thought this was an actual child that went missing (well I guess in her mind it was). I said relax, he's fine, he is with his friends, they are on the boat having some guy time doing the same shit they do every time they are together. Then she started railing about them drinking, and they are drinking too much, and Jerry is going to get a DUI and then she started (fake) crying. I knew he was fine, but for some reason she was totally convinced he was in imminent danger. She said everyone freaks out when Derrick [Jerry's cousin] drinks too much, and no one cares about her son (neither of which are true, they are both very responsible when they drink). I said, "what do you want me to do, he is a grown man." she said to call him and make him come home! And how would I do that?? "Hi Jerry, you need to come home right now. Why? Because your mom said so. Why did she say so? Oh, because you are drinking." Seriously!!! I told her dont worry! He is fine, he is responsible. Then she switched tactics trying to convince me that he wasnt really at the harbor, he was going to Naperville with fireworks (it turned out that he went to Navy Pier to see the firework show). But truly, if he went to Indiana I didnt care, it was now after 9 and dangerously past my bedtime. After some more (fake) crying on her part and threats to move back to Poland if he wasnt going to listen to her, she left.
What I didnt know what that she had been calling him literally every 5 minutes yelling at him and telling him to come home because he was drinking and there were too many people with him. Then she called her sister Helen (jerry was with his cousin Derrick, who is her Helen's son) and got her all riled up. What would Helen do? And why the eff did Jackie call her? Seriously all of this stuff is a giant laugh except that - that was just mean. So Helen calls Derrick's wife, and asks her to go to the harbor and pick the boys up and bring them home so they will be safe. Derrick's wife knows better than to fall for Jackie's antics, and assuages Helen's fears (I hope). So Derrick's wife calls him and tells him all about the fiasco and it ends up being a total buzzkill for the night. Honestly, if Jerry wasnt drinking, that would have been a good time to start.
Keep in mind ALL of this is because Jerry, age 34, wouldn't come home when his mother demanded. The "drinking" is a smokescreen - she was having a full on panic attack about her baby boy and was using all the cards she had. Drinking fears, (fake) crying, telling me I dont understand, threatening to move back to Poland (oh please God, OH PLEASE!).
Yes, it is exactly as ridiculous as you think it is.
There has been some more messages - she came over the next day and screamed at him in person too. and we got in trouble again for not leaving the keys for her when we went to DC. and so she isnt speaking to us. But we totally showed her - we took away her Skipper visitation and instead dropped him off with my parents while we were gone.
TAKE THAT!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Inaugural Post
I have a new concept. Shit my mother-in-law does. I am not trying to make fun of her or embarrass her, just like the guy with the twitter account. It's just that some things deserve to be shared.
My husband (Jerry) came to the US from Poland with his mom when he was 10. Jerry's mom (Jadwiga, or Jackie in English) came here with nothing, really, and has done more in 25 years than natives have done with their entire lives. Its actually really impressive how hard she works. And one could understand coming from that how she would be super overprotective with her only son. He is 34, but depending on her mood, the time of day, the shade of red her hair is, he is still only anywhere from 4 months old to 12 years. Which is what makes it *so* fun being her daughter-in-law. Also, we live across the street from her - I met Jerry 4 months after he closed on his house. He said he bought it because it was a good deal and a nice house in a nice neighborhood. He had a condo in Vernon Hills with his ex, which he sold when they broke up and moved back with his mom. Considering Jackie says his ex "took her son away from her" by moving to Vernon Hills, I'm not so sure the decision to purchase the house ACROSS the street was really just based on economic or investment considerations. She was probably playing tapes while his slept to get it into his subconscious.
All of this has made for some really funny stories. People feel bad or offended for me but I know deep down Jackie loves me and thinks I am good enough for her baby boy (well, I hope). So, I just try and see the humor in it...
So for the inaugural post, I will tell an oldie but goodie.
Last spring I joined a group called "Learn to Run" out of Fleet Feet Sports in Pipers Alley. It was to get you ready for the Komen 10k in July, which I then wanted to build on to do my first half marathon in November. I was never a runner, but had started a routine that helped me lose weight for my wedding, and I needed a new challenge to keep that weight off. To say Jackie is obsessed with weight would be the understatement of the millenium. The woman has a sixth sense for these things, and does not hesitate to tell you even if you are in front of a 100 people. She even comments on my siblings and wants to know the status of their weight (sorry guys). Its not just that she has to say what she says, but then she follows it up with her advice on how to be slim. The woman needs to lost a good 50lbs herself - so I guess its a matter of those who can't, teach. Anyway, she was very pleased with my running efforts and it really kept her off my back for a while. I am not thin, but after years of trying I feel like I'm in a good place.
So it was some time after the Komen 10k (which is about 6.2 miles) that I did my first long run of 8 miles. I was so proud of myself. Not only had I conquered a new distance, but I actually felt good about how I ran it - which is just as important. It was a Saturday morning - the long runs are always on Saturday mornings - and I went straight to tell Jerry how happy I was. He was in his mom's garage (where he is every Saturday morning) working on cars. As I walked up the driveway, beaming with pride and riding the runner's high, Jackie came out of the house. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Muhleeesah, I think you gain it the weight." I'm not sure if the thick Polish accent makes it worse, or the fact she refuses to call me Missy, but in my head I can still hear it. I said, "guess what I just did 8 miles!" And she said, "oh, oh, well I think you got it some more weight." She grabbed my love handles, on each side, with her fingers and said, "rrrrrrright here, right here Muhleeesah." I sheepishly responded that maybe my weight redistributed itself, you know, because I was upping my weekly mileage. And its not like running clothes really do you any favors. But she was unimpressed.
This story, my friends, is what will become known as "Classic Jackie." Enjoy.
My husband (Jerry) came to the US from Poland with his mom when he was 10. Jerry's mom (Jadwiga, or Jackie in English) came here with nothing, really, and has done more in 25 years than natives have done with their entire lives. Its actually really impressive how hard she works. And one could understand coming from that how she would be super overprotective with her only son. He is 34, but depending on her mood, the time of day, the shade of red her hair is, he is still only anywhere from 4 months old to 12 years. Which is what makes it *so* fun being her daughter-in-law. Also, we live across the street from her - I met Jerry 4 months after he closed on his house. He said he bought it because it was a good deal and a nice house in a nice neighborhood. He had a condo in Vernon Hills with his ex, which he sold when they broke up and moved back with his mom. Considering Jackie says his ex "took her son away from her" by moving to Vernon Hills, I'm not so sure the decision to purchase the house ACROSS the street was really just based on economic or investment considerations. She was probably playing tapes while his slept to get it into his subconscious.
All of this has made for some really funny stories. People feel bad or offended for me but I know deep down Jackie loves me and thinks I am good enough for her baby boy (well, I hope). So, I just try and see the humor in it...
So for the inaugural post, I will tell an oldie but goodie.
Last spring I joined a group called "Learn to Run" out of Fleet Feet Sports in Pipers Alley. It was to get you ready for the Komen 10k in July, which I then wanted to build on to do my first half marathon in November. I was never a runner, but had started a routine that helped me lose weight for my wedding, and I needed a new challenge to keep that weight off. To say Jackie is obsessed with weight would be the understatement of the millenium. The woman has a sixth sense for these things, and does not hesitate to tell you even if you are in front of a 100 people. She even comments on my siblings and wants to know the status of their weight (sorry guys). Its not just that she has to say what she says, but then she follows it up with her advice on how to be slim. The woman needs to lost a good 50lbs herself - so I guess its a matter of those who can't, teach. Anyway, she was very pleased with my running efforts and it really kept her off my back for a while. I am not thin, but after years of trying I feel like I'm in a good place.
So it was some time after the Komen 10k (which is about 6.2 miles) that I did my first long run of 8 miles. I was so proud of myself. Not only had I conquered a new distance, but I actually felt good about how I ran it - which is just as important. It was a Saturday morning - the long runs are always on Saturday mornings - and I went straight to tell Jerry how happy I was. He was in his mom's garage (where he is every Saturday morning) working on cars. As I walked up the driveway, beaming with pride and riding the runner's high, Jackie came out of the house. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Muhleeesah, I think you gain it the weight." I'm not sure if the thick Polish accent makes it worse, or the fact she refuses to call me Missy, but in my head I can still hear it. I said, "guess what I just did 8 miles!" And she said, "oh, oh, well I think you got it some more weight." She grabbed my love handles, on each side, with her fingers and said, "rrrrrrright here, right here Muhleeesah." I sheepishly responded that maybe my weight redistributed itself, you know, because I was upping my weekly mileage. And its not like running clothes really do you any favors. But she was unimpressed.
This story, my friends, is what will become known as "Classic Jackie." Enjoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)