Mother's Day

Well it seems that finally the food poisoning has worked its way out - Monday I made dinner and I dont know if it was the noodles or the broccoli or the tofu, but long story short it came back with a vengance that we are just now recovering from. And oh yeah, Mother's Day too.

There were no plans intact for Mother's Day this year. Usually Jerry's cousin has a something that allows us to see Jerry's mom, yet still remain far enough away that we dont risk direct engagement. So I told Jerry (first mistake) that we should take his mom out to brunch, to Old Warsaw (second mistake), where she has been trying to take us for years. He liked that idea. To his credit, I only had to tell him 10 times to make the reservation, but he neglected to tell his mother. So I think it was Wednesday of last week, the MIL came over to (spy) drop off food and I said, "for Mother's Day we want to take you to brunch at Old Warsaw." She looked half pleased, half skeptical and said, "oh you are coming too?" Of course, she wanted Synus to herself. I gave her the bad news, that I was coming.

So Mother's Day comes, and Jackie does not disappoint. Red espidrilles and a matching red jacket, red earrings and a flaming reddish-orange hairdo. She actually did have on a cute skirt that I was shocked to hear that she bought (meaning of course that not only was it from this decade, but this YEAR). Looking back, I think my mistake was actually showing the emotion that I was feeling, which was comparable to a teenager seeing a parent doing something relevant to the current times. She followed up my compliments with the news that hat I didnt have to go buy one, I could just borrow hers. Because we are the same size. I decided to interpret that as her complementing herself - I may be cornbread fed, but aint no way her size 18 behind is the same as my 14.

When we all got in the car, Jerry and I were continuing an earlier disagreement, but trying to talk about it quietly in a "dont let the kids hear/know" way (she was in the backseat, and Marion was with her) but that failed. She got excited and started smiling when she said, "you are having fight?!" Not this time lady. I said to her that sometimes her baby synus makes it very hard not to want to kill him, and at that she started saying "oh no, may-leesuh, you have to love it my boy, my baby boy, he is good boy, i love him so much." Jerry was going to puke, so I decided that was punishment enough for him. Every other time I tried to talk to him, the MIL barged in, in polish. I dont know why, but this is habit for her whenever we are in the car and I dare talk to her boy. At some point she decides whatever assinine thing she has to say (like the man on the radio said you can get houses half a million dollar houses for less than a hundred grand, lets go buy one) is MUCH more important, and just cuts in, in Polish.

When we got to the restaurant they were just opening, so the cold food was out but not the hot food. The waitress (who spoke to me in Polish the whole time) told us to have some cold food and hot food would be out in 5 minutes. Jackie turned around and said the same thing to me, in English, then to Jerry (who was next to me) in Polish. We started looking at the spread, and Jackie says to me, "have some this food for now, hot food coming." Then she said the same thing to Jerry in Polish. No, I didnt just write the same thing twice. Jerry's repeating disease, it turns out, is actually inherited from his mother - only praise the baby Jesus his case is not as bad.

Cold food at the Old Warsaw buffet consists mostly of different cabbage concoctions, which being Irish and a herbivore, pleased me to no end. I got my plate and sat down, and the MIL wasted no time. "Cabbage good, make you lose the weight." BINGO! That comment came at about 11:15 am, and we had picked her up to go to the restaurant at 10:30. So this might be a record for her, it took her 45 minutes to make a weight comment. Unless you count the fact she thinks we are the same size - I'll have to refer to the judges.

We were sitting at our table when the hot food came out, so the waitress said, its ready and motioned over to the buffet, which literally was 15 feet away. Naturally, Jackie looks at me and Synus and says, "the hot food is out." We went to get some, and of course she told us what everything was, in English and Polish, several times, and sometimes while we were scooping it on our plate. Did I mention there were little signs next to the food? They had a carving station, so naturally she turns to me and asks if I want a slice of beef. Remember for her that its a low percentage of meat in your diet, say 25 - 50%, that makes you a vegetarian, not the traditional ZERO percent. I declined. When we got back to the table, she proceeded to let us know yet again what food was being offered. Many times during the entire meal she said, "diet starts tomorrow." I wondered if this would be the diet that would cause us not to be able to share skirts anymore.

Over coffee and desert Jackie announces she wants to invest in something (bilingually of course - Marion's English is terrible unless he is drunk, and then all of a sudden he is reciting speeches better than Obama). She wants to buy a business. I've heard this whole song and dance before about buying some business and getting rich and bla bla bla because oh its that easy right, just buy a business and the money starts shooting in. Also I think I was weary from the weight comments over the last hour, so I said, sure! Lets buy a diamond business! Jerry informed me later on that my sarcasm is not understood or "appreciated" in that crowd, and that it looked like I was being rude. Seriously? Because the MIL's next comment was LETS BUY A GAS STATION. Oh, and she was not kidding. She said that gas prices are so high and "they" are all getting rich so we should get a gas station. I started to explain petrodollar political economy to her, and then stopped. Futility ain't just a river in Egypt.

She wouldnt knock it off though. All of a sudden I knew a better way - stroke her ego! I said, "why venture in to something you know nothing about. You are an expert in real estate, why not stick with that?" It was genius! The conversation totally moved from completely moronic to plausible stupidity as we discussed the current deflated market. She decided that she would invest in the housing market - and, wait for it - that I should be the one to find her a house. Hey, remember when I quit doing that because I sucked? But, it was Mother's Day after all, and my own mother would be quite disappointed in me if I could not at least indulge the woman on her day. So I said ok. We left and all in all, it was nice. I know it meant a lot to Jerry's mom to have time with her baby boy - and believe it or not in 5 years this is the first time we've gone out to eat with her. I think that will work, once every 5 years.

So that was last Sunday, and it took oh about 72 hours for the MIL to call and demand her list of houses to buy...