Natalie was right, I cursed myself.
In my world, Sundays are a reward for all the hard work I've done all week super couponing and, as Jerry puts it, trying to screw the man out of 35 cents. Then I do some homework, (pretend to) clean, do the chop house, watch some law & order marathon. Yesterday was no different, except that when I had just finished prepping most of the food for the week, Jackie came over with food. This alas is nothing new. She said she called Jerry and asked him if he wanted the food, and he said no, don't bring it. So she decided to come over and bring it, "because my son, he say no, so I bring to you." She had a huge pan of chicken and rice, and I told her there was no way we would eat all of that. I suggested she just leave half, and she said she already made a whole other pan for herself. Whatever - Skipper loves chicken. She said to me, "oh you wont eat it?" I said no, so you see that its too much for just Jerry (Skipper), and she replied, "but there isn't much meat on a wing, you have to eat two or three." Apparently in the town she is from vegetarianism is measured by the percentage of meat on any given animal bone.
After she left Jerry came out from the other room, and I began to tell him what she said, and he stopped me. "Oh I heard the whole thing, I was hiding and waiting for her to leave."
But all in all, the MIL has been on good behavior, and I had assumed it was because Jerry lost weight. This is the woman's greatest mission in life - to scrutinize other people's fatness while remaining fat herself. While I was contemplating how to encourage Jerry's manorexia in order to foster more of this good behavior on her part, I was rudely snapped back to reality. It turns out in my euphoria over what I thought was her new found ability to mind her own business, I neglected to pay attention to the change in seasons that occured yesterday. What change is that? Yesterday it went from Spring (boat in the driveway) to Summer (boat in the harbor). And summer ushers in a particular kind of insanity for Jackie: harbor + dark + booze = APB on Synus Safety. I guess I miscalculated the effects of Jerry's grape peeling and paper eating if I thought Operation Save Synus was not going to be launched again this summer.
Interestingly, she did not come to my house (fake) crying like last time. Jerry called me at 9:30 to ask me if she did, because apparently she noticed he wasnt home and his dumb ass told her he was 1) at the harbor 2) with Scott Gaughan 3) they had a beer and 4) they were at a bar now. Seriously? I mean, why don't you just come right out and tell her that its once again time to go bat shit crazy? It wouldnt have been more clear if someone said, "GO FUCKING MENTAL RIGHT NOW." So she tells him that she is coming to pick him up - but all she knows is that he is on Irving Park Road somewhere. So she gets in her car and takes off to find sonny boy. I don't really know (or care) how the exact events transpired, but somehow Jerry comes home and then a couple minutes later she is in the driveway screaming at him in Polish. As if my house doesn't look white trash enough with all crap Jerry and Tim do, I need some crazy old lady in her housecoat screaming at the top of her lungs. Apparently she was saying that I was going to leave him for what he's done. She wishes. I fear we've ushered in Insanityathon 2011...
...if only I had control of the Navy Seals.
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