Help is right across the street

So, I havent posted since exactly the day school started last August. The MIL has actually been really good lately, even though I had the nerve to quit a job making plenty of money thus risking the future of Synus' BMW.

As luck would have it, the fat obsession reared its ugly head last week. Turns out she couldnt supress it forever. Some of you know that Jerry and I are in the throws of a heated Biggest Loser contest with Scott and Cindy that began Jan 14. Jerry's mentality is that if you really want something, you can do it. Apparently he doesnt really want hair on top of his head... Anyway, he has done really well (although he is becoming slightly obsessed, asking me how many calories is in everything - im afraid soon he will start peeling grapes to save calories, and eating paper to make his stomach feel full...).

I'm not sure when Jerry told his mom about it, but he did, and she was just waiting for her chance to pounce. Instead of just having a conversation about it like a grown-up, she came over last week to drop off towels and Wasa crackers. I am not sure where the towels came from, one bath, one hand towel and one wash cloth. Very plush. As you probably already can conclude the implication is that her baby boy needs the finest for his delicate skin. But I digress. The Wasa crackers, however, were for Jerry because she heard he was on a diet. When she said the word 'diet' her eyes lit up like fireflies - much the same as when I allow my nephew to say 'fart' because his parents arent around. So I decided to drop the biz-omb, that baby boy lost 10 pounds so far. Her EXACT reaction:

"Oh my God Muhleeesuh! This so great!" With a glint of tear in her eye she continued, "Oh I worry all time bout him - fifty pounds! He needs lose 50 pounds, at least." You would have thought I told her I got my job back at Van Wagner, she was that happy. I thought she was going to start jumping up and down. Christmas, New Years, Kwanzaa all in one.

It was then she decided to give me lots of advice on weight loss. Keep in mind that I was doing what Jerry calls "The Chop House," doing the cooking for the week. Salads, lasagna and stuffed peppers - there was shit EVERYWHERE. Jackie investigated very carefully the contents of the salads and then lectured me on too much cheese in lasagna (I made it with whole wheat noodles, homemade sauce and kale). Literally stood over me as I was putting the cheese on telling me that I needed to buy low fat or fat free cheese.

The conversation (nitpicking) continued for a while. She told me that her problem is sweets, she has too much sweets at her house and eats them too much. Then proceeds to tell me that she has been having this problem, she wants to show me. Before I could protest she unzipped her coat and showed me her dunlop/fupa and said, "this, I dont know what is this." Setting aside my disbelief I said, "isnt that from having a baby? i thought when you have a baby you get to blame your gut on it for the rest of your life?" She then said that its from being over 50. Well if you know what it is then WTF are you asking me for? Then she asked if my mom had one. I said, "I dont know, she has the baby roll I guess but we are built the same, big thighs and ghetto booty." And she said, "Oh your mom is skinny, she looks good, she looks really good." Now I know my mom will be super happy to hear that, however, we are practically the same size. HTF is she skinny and I'm fat???

After a lecture on buying and eating wild salmon, and another command to make Jerry lose 50 pounds, she ices that cake by saying, "Well, if you need it help or advices on losing weight, just call me. You can just give me call and I will help you."

Really? And if I need advice on how to take care of my dog should I call Michael Vick??

Content with her words of wisdom, she left. I would say that I give up, but God knows that happened some time in 2006...