Fat is as fat does

So this weekend Jerry and I had a wedding to go to. As per usual, we were running late (we'd hate to let anyone down). So I am running around the house in spanx up to my neck and a strapless bra trying to locate my dress, which turned out was in the living room closet. I get the dress out, unzip it, and put it on, only to realize that the spanx have rendered me immobile and no way was i getting the side zipper up. so i run from the living room in to the kitchen where Jerry was assembling his suit (we could, you know, just keep our clothes in the bedroom like every one else to avoid this). Frantically I beg him to zip me up, we should have been gone buy now.

My kitchen looks out on to the deck, thats where the sliding glass doors are. Behind it and to the left is the garage, so it really blocks any sight in to the kitchen. But it does not block MILs. All of a sudden the door whizzes open and "haaaaallllooo!" It startled me so bad I screamed and Jerry said he thought I was going to literally fly through the roof. Jackie looked at me funny and I said, "you scared me!" I meant the noise, any woman who has ever gotten ready for anything formal knows the frenzy and how you block out all else to focus on the task at hand. And she said, "what, you have pants on." Right, because that's the concern. Not that she just let herself in, but that I shouldn't care because I have pants on (the "pants" she is referring to were the spanx). I was in so much disarray that I just blurted out, "you could have knocked." And she repeated, "what, you have pants on." And I said, "ITS MY HOUSE!" and ran in to the other room to adjust myself. Apparently the major emergency was that we had lots of tomatoes in the garden that were ready to be picked and she wanted to pick them. Jerry said no, we'll get to it, but she was insisting that she pick them and peel them. They were having this conversation in Polish, and whenever she doesnt get the answer she wants from Jerry she turns to me and has the conversation in English. By this time I had adjusted myself and was zipped, but still in frenzy mode. Jerry was telling her that we are late for a wedding, we'll talk about it later, but it was very urgent to her. She asked me outright, and i said no I have my own way to do it and I will do it. She said, "I try only to help!" and left in a huff.

This episode is considered mild in my book. But apparently it led to a confrontation with Jerry and his mom yesterday. She said that we talked to her like trash. That is nothing new for Jerry, he talks horribly to his mother - if I talked like that to my mom she wouldn't hesitate to crack me one even at the age of 32. But I never say anything to her, usually just sit there and roll my eyes, occasionally tell them to knock it off. She was offended that I talked to her like trash. Jerry told her he was still upset about the night at the boat, and that I am still upset that she keeps calling me fat. She really saw nothing wrong with that. She said she is just concerned. I don't know all that was said, but Jerry felt good about the conversation. I know that he got some good jabs in there because she switched tactics on him and said that I was going to get my education and leave him. And he said, how do you know, did you ask her? And she said she was just concerned for him. This, after she asked me the correct way to tell people about my program so she could brag that her DIL is going to be a PhD. WHATEVER. Obviously she wasnt listening to me - by the time this program is over, certainly I will have found a way to either shut her up or send her back to Poland. And then EVERYTHING will be perfect.

I got a suggestion that readers share their Jackie stories. I think this is a GREAT idea. If you have a Jackie encounter you would like to share, please email me at missyzmuda@gmail.com. I've been so busy the past couple weeks that I havent been able to post often, so this will help keep you entertained until I settle in to my new schedule...