So this weekend Jerry and I had a wedding to go to. As per usual, we were running late (we'd hate to let anyone down). So I am running around the house in spanx up to my neck and a strapless bra trying to locate my dress, which turned out was in the living room closet. I get the dress out, unzip it, and put it on, only to realize that the spanx have rendered me immobile and no way was i getting the side zipper up. so i run from the living room in to the kitchen where Jerry was assembling his suit (we could, you know, just keep our clothes in the bedroom like every one else to avoid this). Frantically I beg him to zip me up, we should have been gone buy now.
My kitchen looks out on to the deck, thats where the sliding glass doors are. Behind it and to the left is the garage, so it really blocks any sight in to the kitchen. But it does not block MILs. All of a sudden the door whizzes open and "haaaaallllooo!" It startled me so bad I screamed and Jerry said he thought I was going to literally fly through the roof. Jackie looked at me funny and I said, "you scared me!" I meant the noise, any woman who has ever gotten ready for anything formal knows the frenzy and how you block out all else to focus on the task at hand. And she said, "what, you have pants on." Right, because that's the concern. Not that she just let herself in, but that I shouldn't care because I have pants on (the "pants" she is referring to were the spanx). I was in so much disarray that I just blurted out, "you could have knocked." And she repeated, "what, you have pants on." And I said, "ITS MY HOUSE!" and ran in to the other room to adjust myself. Apparently the major emergency was that we had lots of tomatoes in the garden that were ready to be picked and she wanted to pick them. Jerry said no, we'll get to it, but she was insisting that she pick them and peel them. They were having this conversation in Polish, and whenever she doesnt get the answer she wants from Jerry she turns to me and has the conversation in English. By this time I had adjusted myself and was zipped, but still in frenzy mode. Jerry was telling her that we are late for a wedding, we'll talk about it later, but it was very urgent to her. She asked me outright, and i said no I have my own way to do it and I will do it. She said, "I try only to help!" and left in a huff.
This episode is considered mild in my book. But apparently it led to a confrontation with Jerry and his mom yesterday. She said that we talked to her like trash. That is nothing new for Jerry, he talks horribly to his mother - if I talked like that to my mom she wouldn't hesitate to crack me one even at the age of 32. But I never say anything to her, usually just sit there and roll my eyes, occasionally tell them to knock it off. She was offended that I talked to her like trash. Jerry told her he was still upset about the night at the boat, and that I am still upset that she keeps calling me fat. She really saw nothing wrong with that. She said she is just concerned. I don't know all that was said, but Jerry felt good about the conversation. I know that he got some good jabs in there because she switched tactics on him and said that I was going to get my education and leave him. And he said, how do you know, did you ask her? And she said she was just concerned for him. This, after she asked me the correct way to tell people about my program so she could brag that her DIL is going to be a PhD. WHATEVER. Obviously she wasnt listening to me - by the time this program is over, certainly I will have found a way to either shut her up or send her back to Poland. And then EVERYTHING will be perfect.
I got a suggestion that readers share their Jackie stories. I think this is a GREAT idea. If you have a Jackie encounter you would like to share, please email me at missyzmuda@gmail.com. I've been so busy the past couple weeks that I havent been able to post often, so this will help keep you entertained until I settle in to my new schedule...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
heeeellloooo
Well, I guess my vacation is over. I was laying on the couch watching 'American Greed' when I hear the patio door open and then, "heeeelllllloooo." The MIL apparently is back to talking to us again. She came over to make sure we watered the garden. By the way, its noon, and the last time I tried to water my garden during the day she about karate chopped the hose out of my hand. She said that if you water the plants during the day they will get burned. (For the record, I checked with my brother-in-law, who is from an actual farm, and he confirmed that the water droplets on the leaves act like magnifying glasses - so that is how they get burned.)
Then she berated me for 15 minutes wanting to know why Jerry was so mean and angry and negative. I literally couldnt speak because I was so caught off guard by her unabashed lack of self-awareness. What I wanted to say was, hey crazy pants, remember when he went out with his friends and you blew up his phone like a psycho ex-girlfriend? Remember when you saw him the next day and started screaming at him how dumb he is? Remember how you called us in DC because you couldnt find the keys to the house and called him a dumb punk? But alas, I did not, i tried to joke about it, and she started (fake) sniffling about how she has one son, bla bla bla. Then she wanted to know if him and I were fighting. AHA! She says it without saying it - whatever is wrong with him must be my fault, because I am taking her son away. I said he's under a lot of stress with me starting school and kids are coming soon. She then started in about how I don't understand how much work the kids will be. I said, bitch please. Ok, I just thought it, but I did say, I do come from the Schroeder family so zip it. Ok, I didnt say that either but I did tell her that I'm from a huge family, I have been around kids all my life, and while no, you dont know until you know, I certainly am aware of what I wont know until I know. You know?
Any way, she said I definitely will need someone here to help me - and I said, hell to the no. No one is going to move in to my house. And she was like, no, they dont have to move in but you will need someone. Seriously? How did frontier women do it? I said that I have my sister and my family and she said that I cant rely on them, she is across the street, so she will do most of the work. Back the f*ck up! I almost went in to full blown panic mode when a brilliant thought came to my mind. I looked at her and said, "hey lets go to the pound and get you a dog! look at this dog I found wandering around last week..." It worked - she totally switched gears and I avoided having a heart attack.
Until she was leaving. She said to me, "with all that running, why are you still so big right here?" and she motioned to her own hips and butt. she said, "it doesn't make sense with all that work that you are still so big. tell jerry to do something, he will have a heart attack you know. i lost a little weight, can't you tell?"
i guess everything is back to normal.
Then she berated me for 15 minutes wanting to know why Jerry was so mean and angry and negative. I literally couldnt speak because I was so caught off guard by her unabashed lack of self-awareness. What I wanted to say was, hey crazy pants, remember when he went out with his friends and you blew up his phone like a psycho ex-girlfriend? Remember when you saw him the next day and started screaming at him how dumb he is? Remember how you called us in DC because you couldnt find the keys to the house and called him a dumb punk? But alas, I did not, i tried to joke about it, and she started (fake) sniffling about how she has one son, bla bla bla. Then she wanted to know if him and I were fighting. AHA! She says it without saying it - whatever is wrong with him must be my fault, because I am taking her son away. I said he's under a lot of stress with me starting school and kids are coming soon. She then started in about how I don't understand how much work the kids will be. I said, bitch please. Ok, I just thought it, but I did say, I do come from the Schroeder family so zip it. Ok, I didnt say that either but I did tell her that I'm from a huge family, I have been around kids all my life, and while no, you dont know until you know, I certainly am aware of what I wont know until I know. You know?
Any way, she said I definitely will need someone here to help me - and I said, hell to the no. No one is going to move in to my house. And she was like, no, they dont have to move in but you will need someone. Seriously? How did frontier women do it? I said that I have my sister and my family and she said that I cant rely on them, she is across the street, so she will do most of the work. Back the f*ck up! I almost went in to full blown panic mode when a brilliant thought came to my mind. I looked at her and said, "hey lets go to the pound and get you a dog! look at this dog I found wandering around last week..." It worked - she totally switched gears and I avoided having a heart attack.
Until she was leaving. She said to me, "with all that running, why are you still so big right here?" and she motioned to her own hips and butt. she said, "it doesn't make sense with all that work that you are still so big. tell jerry to do something, he will have a heart attack you know. i lost a little weight, can't you tell?"
i guess everything is back to normal.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Where is my baby boy
So I got a request for a pic. I will have to get approval from Jerry - but that would be hysterical.
Jerry and I are currently getting the silent treatment from Jackie. Ever since we got back from DC Sunday night, she has gone quiet. Its been AWESOME. Here is what provoked what has been the greatest three days of my life.
Last week on Wednesday I came home from a the midweek workout with Team in Training. If you all remember, it was 147 degrees in the shade last week. Plus we were doing hills and speedwork, and I don't think the path was ready for this jelly cuz I am way too bootylicious for some of these workouts... Anyway, I came home around 8pm all tired and hot and crabby and went across the street to pick up the dog, who was staying with the MIL because i was coming home late and Jerry was out with the guys. I thanked her, went home, and took the best shower ever. Because no one was home, i had the bathroom doors open (i have a brady bunch bathroom that is in between my bedroom and the guest bedroom). *AS SOON* as i turn off the water I hear it - the screech heard round the world - "MUHLEEEESUH!". I scrambled for a towel and started anxiously saying that I wasn't dressed (you know, because I am one of those people who takes showers without clothes on). Sometime while I was in the shower Jackie came over, let herself in and was sitting on my bed waiting for me to finish. "Where is my son?" I said I didnt know hoping that she would go away. "He told me he is going to the Naperville and buying fireworks." I said, no no, he is at Montrose harbor, at the boat with his friends having a boys night. "How you know? He said Naperville. Is he drinking? I think he is drinking." I said that is where I ran tonight, I saw him there, he is fine. She then proceeded to lecture me on not forgetting to leave the spare keys in the garage. She said she tried to get in the house today but couldnt find the keys. I love that I got in trouble for not making my house accessible when I am not there to PEOPLE THAT DONT LIVE THERE.
About an hour later me and Skipper are sprawled out on the bed, falling asleep to Law & Order when the doorbell starts ringing like crazy. There is Jackie, at level 100 freak out, saying that she cant get a hold of Jerry, where is he, he's drinking, she is scared, bla bla bla. I mean, you would have thought this was an actual child that went missing (well I guess in her mind it was). I said relax, he's fine, he is with his friends, they are on the boat having some guy time doing the same shit they do every time they are together. Then she started railing about them drinking, and they are drinking too much, and Jerry is going to get a DUI and then she started (fake) crying. I knew he was fine, but for some reason she was totally convinced he was in imminent danger. She said everyone freaks out when Derrick [Jerry's cousin] drinks too much, and no one cares about her son (neither of which are true, they are both very responsible when they drink). I said, "what do you want me to do, he is a grown man." she said to call him and make him come home! And how would I do that?? "Hi Jerry, you need to come home right now. Why? Because your mom said so. Why did she say so? Oh, because you are drinking." Seriously!!! I told her dont worry! He is fine, he is responsible. Then she switched tactics trying to convince me that he wasnt really at the harbor, he was going to Naperville with fireworks (it turned out that he went to Navy Pier to see the firework show). But truly, if he went to Indiana I didnt care, it was now after 9 and dangerously past my bedtime. After some more (fake) crying on her part and threats to move back to Poland if he wasnt going to listen to her, she left.
What I didnt know what that she had been calling him literally every 5 minutes yelling at him and telling him to come home because he was drinking and there were too many people with him. Then she called her sister Helen (jerry was with his cousin Derrick, who is her Helen's son) and got her all riled up. What would Helen do? And why the eff did Jackie call her? Seriously all of this stuff is a giant laugh except that - that was just mean. So Helen calls Derrick's wife, and asks her to go to the harbor and pick the boys up and bring them home so they will be safe. Derrick's wife knows better than to fall for Jackie's antics, and assuages Helen's fears (I hope). So Derrick's wife calls him and tells him all about the fiasco and it ends up being a total buzzkill for the night. Honestly, if Jerry wasnt drinking, that would have been a good time to start.
Keep in mind ALL of this is because Jerry, age 34, wouldn't come home when his mother demanded. The "drinking" is a smokescreen - she was having a full on panic attack about her baby boy and was using all the cards she had. Drinking fears, (fake) crying, telling me I dont understand, threatening to move back to Poland (oh please God, OH PLEASE!).
Yes, it is exactly as ridiculous as you think it is.
There has been some more messages - she came over the next day and screamed at him in person too. and we got in trouble again for not leaving the keys for her when we went to DC. and so she isnt speaking to us. But we totally showed her - we took away her Skipper visitation and instead dropped him off with my parents while we were gone.
TAKE THAT!
Jerry and I are currently getting the silent treatment from Jackie. Ever since we got back from DC Sunday night, she has gone quiet. Its been AWESOME. Here is what provoked what has been the greatest three days of my life.
Last week on Wednesday I came home from a the midweek workout with Team in Training. If you all remember, it was 147 degrees in the shade last week. Plus we were doing hills and speedwork, and I don't think the path was ready for this jelly cuz I am way too bootylicious for some of these workouts... Anyway, I came home around 8pm all tired and hot and crabby and went across the street to pick up the dog, who was staying with the MIL because i was coming home late and Jerry was out with the guys. I thanked her, went home, and took the best shower ever. Because no one was home, i had the bathroom doors open (i have a brady bunch bathroom that is in between my bedroom and the guest bedroom). *AS SOON* as i turn off the water I hear it - the screech heard round the world - "MUHLEEEESUH!". I scrambled for a towel and started anxiously saying that I wasn't dressed (you know, because I am one of those people who takes showers without clothes on). Sometime while I was in the shower Jackie came over, let herself in and was sitting on my bed waiting for me to finish. "Where is my son?" I said I didnt know hoping that she would go away. "He told me he is going to the Naperville and buying fireworks." I said, no no, he is at Montrose harbor, at the boat with his friends having a boys night. "How you know? He said Naperville. Is he drinking? I think he is drinking." I said that is where I ran tonight, I saw him there, he is fine. She then proceeded to lecture me on not forgetting to leave the spare keys in the garage. She said she tried to get in the house today but couldnt find the keys. I love that I got in trouble for not making my house accessible when I am not there to PEOPLE THAT DONT LIVE THERE.
About an hour later me and Skipper are sprawled out on the bed, falling asleep to Law & Order when the doorbell starts ringing like crazy. There is Jackie, at level 100 freak out, saying that she cant get a hold of Jerry, where is he, he's drinking, she is scared, bla bla bla. I mean, you would have thought this was an actual child that went missing (well I guess in her mind it was). I said relax, he's fine, he is with his friends, they are on the boat having some guy time doing the same shit they do every time they are together. Then she started railing about them drinking, and they are drinking too much, and Jerry is going to get a DUI and then she started (fake) crying. I knew he was fine, but for some reason she was totally convinced he was in imminent danger. She said everyone freaks out when Derrick [Jerry's cousin] drinks too much, and no one cares about her son (neither of which are true, they are both very responsible when they drink). I said, "what do you want me to do, he is a grown man." she said to call him and make him come home! And how would I do that?? "Hi Jerry, you need to come home right now. Why? Because your mom said so. Why did she say so? Oh, because you are drinking." Seriously!!! I told her dont worry! He is fine, he is responsible. Then she switched tactics trying to convince me that he wasnt really at the harbor, he was going to Naperville with fireworks (it turned out that he went to Navy Pier to see the firework show). But truly, if he went to Indiana I didnt care, it was now after 9 and dangerously past my bedtime. After some more (fake) crying on her part and threats to move back to Poland if he wasnt going to listen to her, she left.
What I didnt know what that she had been calling him literally every 5 minutes yelling at him and telling him to come home because he was drinking and there were too many people with him. Then she called her sister Helen (jerry was with his cousin Derrick, who is her Helen's son) and got her all riled up. What would Helen do? And why the eff did Jackie call her? Seriously all of this stuff is a giant laugh except that - that was just mean. So Helen calls Derrick's wife, and asks her to go to the harbor and pick the boys up and bring them home so they will be safe. Derrick's wife knows better than to fall for Jackie's antics, and assuages Helen's fears (I hope). So Derrick's wife calls him and tells him all about the fiasco and it ends up being a total buzzkill for the night. Honestly, if Jerry wasnt drinking, that would have been a good time to start.
Keep in mind ALL of this is because Jerry, age 34, wouldn't come home when his mother demanded. The "drinking" is a smokescreen - she was having a full on panic attack about her baby boy and was using all the cards she had. Drinking fears, (fake) crying, telling me I dont understand, threatening to move back to Poland (oh please God, OH PLEASE!).
Yes, it is exactly as ridiculous as you think it is.
There has been some more messages - she came over the next day and screamed at him in person too. and we got in trouble again for not leaving the keys for her when we went to DC. and so she isnt speaking to us. But we totally showed her - we took away her Skipper visitation and instead dropped him off with my parents while we were gone.
TAKE THAT!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Inaugural Post
I have a new concept. Shit my mother-in-law does. I am not trying to make fun of her or embarrass her, just like the guy with the twitter account. It's just that some things deserve to be shared.
My husband (Jerry) came to the US from Poland with his mom when he was 10. Jerry's mom (Jadwiga, or Jackie in English) came here with nothing, really, and has done more in 25 years than natives have done with their entire lives. Its actually really impressive how hard she works. And one could understand coming from that how she would be super overprotective with her only son. He is 34, but depending on her mood, the time of day, the shade of red her hair is, he is still only anywhere from 4 months old to 12 years. Which is what makes it *so* fun being her daughter-in-law. Also, we live across the street from her - I met Jerry 4 months after he closed on his house. He said he bought it because it was a good deal and a nice house in a nice neighborhood. He had a condo in Vernon Hills with his ex, which he sold when they broke up and moved back with his mom. Considering Jackie says his ex "took her son away from her" by moving to Vernon Hills, I'm not so sure the decision to purchase the house ACROSS the street was really just based on economic or investment considerations. She was probably playing tapes while his slept to get it into his subconscious.
All of this has made for some really funny stories. People feel bad or offended for me but I know deep down Jackie loves me and thinks I am good enough for her baby boy (well, I hope). So, I just try and see the humor in it...
So for the inaugural post, I will tell an oldie but goodie.
Last spring I joined a group called "Learn to Run" out of Fleet Feet Sports in Pipers Alley. It was to get you ready for the Komen 10k in July, which I then wanted to build on to do my first half marathon in November. I was never a runner, but had started a routine that helped me lose weight for my wedding, and I needed a new challenge to keep that weight off. To say Jackie is obsessed with weight would be the understatement of the millenium. The woman has a sixth sense for these things, and does not hesitate to tell you even if you are in front of a 100 people. She even comments on my siblings and wants to know the status of their weight (sorry guys). Its not just that she has to say what she says, but then she follows it up with her advice on how to be slim. The woman needs to lost a good 50lbs herself - so I guess its a matter of those who can't, teach. Anyway, she was very pleased with my running efforts and it really kept her off my back for a while. I am not thin, but after years of trying I feel like I'm in a good place.
So it was some time after the Komen 10k (which is about 6.2 miles) that I did my first long run of 8 miles. I was so proud of myself. Not only had I conquered a new distance, but I actually felt good about how I ran it - which is just as important. It was a Saturday morning - the long runs are always on Saturday mornings - and I went straight to tell Jerry how happy I was. He was in his mom's garage (where he is every Saturday morning) working on cars. As I walked up the driveway, beaming with pride and riding the runner's high, Jackie came out of the house. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Muhleeesah, I think you gain it the weight." I'm not sure if the thick Polish accent makes it worse, or the fact she refuses to call me Missy, but in my head I can still hear it. I said, "guess what I just did 8 miles!" And she said, "oh, oh, well I think you got it some more weight." She grabbed my love handles, on each side, with her fingers and said, "rrrrrrright here, right here Muhleeesah." I sheepishly responded that maybe my weight redistributed itself, you know, because I was upping my weekly mileage. And its not like running clothes really do you any favors. But she was unimpressed.
This story, my friends, is what will become known as "Classic Jackie." Enjoy.
My husband (Jerry) came to the US from Poland with his mom when he was 10. Jerry's mom (Jadwiga, or Jackie in English) came here with nothing, really, and has done more in 25 years than natives have done with their entire lives. Its actually really impressive how hard she works. And one could understand coming from that how she would be super overprotective with her only son. He is 34, but depending on her mood, the time of day, the shade of red her hair is, he is still only anywhere from 4 months old to 12 years. Which is what makes it *so* fun being her daughter-in-law. Also, we live across the street from her - I met Jerry 4 months after he closed on his house. He said he bought it because it was a good deal and a nice house in a nice neighborhood. He had a condo in Vernon Hills with his ex, which he sold when they broke up and moved back with his mom. Considering Jackie says his ex "took her son away from her" by moving to Vernon Hills, I'm not so sure the decision to purchase the house ACROSS the street was really just based on economic or investment considerations. She was probably playing tapes while his slept to get it into his subconscious.
All of this has made for some really funny stories. People feel bad or offended for me but I know deep down Jackie loves me and thinks I am good enough for her baby boy (well, I hope). So, I just try and see the humor in it...
So for the inaugural post, I will tell an oldie but goodie.
Last spring I joined a group called "Learn to Run" out of Fleet Feet Sports in Pipers Alley. It was to get you ready for the Komen 10k in July, which I then wanted to build on to do my first half marathon in November. I was never a runner, but had started a routine that helped me lose weight for my wedding, and I needed a new challenge to keep that weight off. To say Jackie is obsessed with weight would be the understatement of the millenium. The woman has a sixth sense for these things, and does not hesitate to tell you even if you are in front of a 100 people. She even comments on my siblings and wants to know the status of their weight (sorry guys). Its not just that she has to say what she says, but then she follows it up with her advice on how to be slim. The woman needs to lost a good 50lbs herself - so I guess its a matter of those who can't, teach. Anyway, she was very pleased with my running efforts and it really kept her off my back for a while. I am not thin, but after years of trying I feel like I'm in a good place.
So it was some time after the Komen 10k (which is about 6.2 miles) that I did my first long run of 8 miles. I was so proud of myself. Not only had I conquered a new distance, but I actually felt good about how I ran it - which is just as important. It was a Saturday morning - the long runs are always on Saturday mornings - and I went straight to tell Jerry how happy I was. He was in his mom's garage (where he is every Saturday morning) working on cars. As I walked up the driveway, beaming with pride and riding the runner's high, Jackie came out of the house. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Muhleeesah, I think you gain it the weight." I'm not sure if the thick Polish accent makes it worse, or the fact she refuses to call me Missy, but in my head I can still hear it. I said, "guess what I just did 8 miles!" And she said, "oh, oh, well I think you got it some more weight." She grabbed my love handles, on each side, with her fingers and said, "rrrrrrright here, right here Muhleeesah." I sheepishly responded that maybe my weight redistributed itself, you know, because I was upping my weekly mileage. And its not like running clothes really do you any favors. But she was unimpressed.
This story, my friends, is what will become known as "Classic Jackie." Enjoy.
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