heeeellloooo

Well, I guess my vacation is over. I was laying on the couch watching 'American Greed' when I hear the patio door open and then, "heeeelllllloooo." The MIL apparently is back to talking to us again. She came over to make sure we watered the garden. By the way, its noon, and the last time I tried to water my garden during the day she about karate chopped the hose out of my hand. She said that if you water the plants during the day they will get burned. (For the record, I checked with my brother-in-law, who is from an actual farm, and he confirmed that the water droplets on the leaves act like magnifying glasses - so that is how they get burned.)

Then she berated me for 15 minutes wanting to know why Jerry was so mean and angry and negative. I literally couldnt speak because I was so caught off guard by her unabashed lack of self-awareness. What I wanted to say was, hey crazy pants, remember when he went out with his friends and you blew up his phone like a psycho ex-girlfriend? Remember when you saw him the next day and started screaming at him how dumb he is? Remember how you called us in DC because you couldnt find the keys to the house and called him a dumb punk? But alas, I did not, i tried to joke about it, and she started (fake) sniffling about how she has one son, bla bla bla. Then she wanted to know if him and I were fighting. AHA! She says it without saying it - whatever is wrong with him must be my fault, because I am taking her son away. I said he's under a lot of stress with me starting school and kids are coming soon. She then started in about how I don't understand how much work the kids will be. I said, bitch please. Ok, I just thought it, but I did say, I do come from the Schroeder family so zip it. Ok, I didnt say that either but I did tell her that I'm from a huge family, I have been around kids all my life, and while no, you dont know until you know, I certainly am aware of what I wont know until I know. You know?

Any way, she said I definitely will need someone here to help me - and I said, hell to the no. No one is going to move in to my house. And she was like, no, they dont have to move in but you will need someone. Seriously? How did frontier women do it? I said that I have my sister and my family and she said that I cant rely on them, she is across the street, so she will do most of the work. Back the f*ck up! I almost went in to full blown panic mode when a brilliant thought came to my mind. I looked at her and said, "hey lets go to the pound and get you a dog! look at this dog I found wandering around last week..." It worked - she totally switched gears and I avoided having a heart attack.

Until she was leaving. She said to me, "with all that running, why are you still so big right here?" and she motioned to her own hips and butt. she said, "it doesn't make sense with all that work that you are still so big. tell jerry to do something, he will have a heart attack you know. i lost a little weight, can't you tell?"

i guess everything is back to normal.